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Archive for April 2008

The Whole Shebang-A Conspiracy Theory

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With everyone saying how shameful, the whole thing has been and that both Bhajji and the Malyalee Monkey are responsible for it (One of them more than the other.)and that both have come out for the worse (as analysed By Ramanand).

Physical violence has no place in cricket, and that Harbhajan should face the music.

But because of the carefully developed and ridiculously weird thinking pattern that I have , I disagree.

So this is my way of supporting the likes of India TV and other channels (Nothing compares to India TV though) and there a la’ juggernaut ,search for sensational news (found or made, doesnt make much difference) I am writing the following part–

A CONSPIRACY THEORY

I think the whole thing is an orchestrated event. As everyone had seen, after the initial matches , the ratings and the attendance had been falling, because the novelty factor was gone.

So what does Mr.Modi decide to do.

A controversy. Nothing grabs you by the balls as hard as a juicy controversy.

So he asks Bhajji to step up for the collective good and be the “Bali Ka Bakra”. Me thinks Bhajji is being compensated well for doing this and facing the ban. As for Sreesanth, this might have been a pathetic attempt at rebuilding his image. Going from a smoke sprouting (I dont think there ever was any fire to back it) ,dancing , boastful monkey to a 4 year old who is crying cause he got slapped.

There are so many signs that this is an acted event.

Why would Bhajji go and slap Sreesanth? Too unprofessional for anyone.

Why didn’t our fireband retaliate. Any normal person on being hit retaliates.

Why is everything being done behind the doors?

Why did the “K-League” dialogue of “Bade Bhayya” came into the play?

Why are there claims of Punching AND slapping now?

The most reasonable explanation is that Modi wants to make it a masala blockbuster, with something for everyone.

The fans have their cricket.

The ladies have their soap style drama and sentiments.

The non-cricket fans get to see a fusion of cricket and “muay thai” (Thai Kick Boxing).

A diabolical plan indeed Mr.Modi, Bravo.

PS_ My suspicions will be confirmed if they start advertising their matches as “Rumble In The Jungle” etc. etc. .

Written by yasho

April 28, 2008 at 3:44 am

The Worstest Joke Ever

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This has to be the worst joke anyone has ever msged/told me.

—————-

What do you call a girl who has dated men before you?

Predated.

What do you call yourself?

Predator

—————

I challange anyone to come up with a joke to compete with this, in the race towards the deepest pits of the Mines of Moria.

Or should I say Mount Doom? (It will remove the possibility of this joke ever being resurrected. I am pretty sure Mount Doom was the source though.)

Written by yasho

April 25, 2008 at 5:41 pm

Grievances

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Beware, for I paint a very bleak picture of things that everyone holds very dear.

I was in one of my rather philosophical moods, courtesy Sanika . We had been talking for a long time yesterday. I went past my sleeping threshold and started thinking all sorts of stuff. It was 4 30 AM.

I don’t how I arrived there, but I know where I started.

I started with College. The focal point of my life (I know , it is sad.). How everything has become a mess. You enter expecting to get something out of college. And by the time you are in third year, you don’t care. Everyone is like–“Eh…chuck”.

We are the epitome of apathy. The non-caring entity just drifting through college cause you are expected to do so. You are buried under a maniacal autocratic system which refuses to take any inputs from the one entity it should be paying the most attention to. US. (as in us, the students, not the Maniacal Autocratic Country).

It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know why we still have submissions. As if they don’t know that by third year our copying skills have been perfected. The ancient material handed down since stone ages written down in our journals. The stupid Algos where people skip 4-5 steps while writing, rendering it more useless than pile of horse-shit(which might still help a farmer!)

The surprise tests. This is something special. We have a test almost every week.Sometimes even 2-3.

I will be surprised to find someone who hasn’t cheated in theses tests. The system has made “tests” a joke. A trivial formality to be completed every week. Although this exams do get us working like ants–poetry in motion. The perfect example of symbiotic behaviour. (Harsh had an extensive post on the Ant Phenomenon)

The fact is even though we should shoulder some blame, the bulk of it falls mainly on the System. I have never seen such logic defying activity anywhere. (Including Loksabha). I think it was better when the college was just COEP rather than all possible permutations and combinations of the alphabet.

Then you expected it to be like that. But where has autonomy taken us. Nowhere. With the absence of anything remotely displaying even primitive forms of intelligence sitting at the top I don’t think we are going anywhere in a hurry.

I will state an example of how this system gets to you.

I have a friend (Read Anonymous) who used to hate anyone cheating in exams. A principled person, she carried on like this for the better part of her college life. How things have changed. Now with the whole surprise test thing , almost everyone cheats. And with relative grading , you can’t afford lagging behind. But you are human. So not studying for tests which are more frequent than the weekend is not really your fault. So only one path remains–Copying. And alas, she isn’t an exception anymore.

If I sit around and start counting everything that is wrong with the system then I will end up writing a Novel.

Why can’t we challenge the quality of questions in the paper? Our answers are subjected to it.

Why is it our duty to take mindless orders lying down like a bunch of nobodies.

What gives a teacher the divine right of being “right” all the time. If ever there was a bunch of egotistic , autocratic and moronic “teachers” , it has to be in our college. People who take sadistic pleasure in our misery. Who love berating you, for you are doing something they probably couldn’t.

Yeah, we have feedback. i gave my feedback with all my subject teachers standing behind me. As the Yankies say- You do the math.

I will stop here. Cus its 8 Am and I have my exams at 2.

I realize that I myself have been the proverbial brick for a long time. And I am pretty sure I will continue to be one. Probably for the rest of my life. For this is a “vicious circle” . I have snorted the drug. I have become a junkie. A slave of apathy and inactivity . I know this whole post is just a cry-baby banging his fists on the table , because he can’t do anything. I have become that cry-baby.

In the legendary words of those four drugged hippies (Can’t remember their names.)”Let It Be“.

PS_ Now I figure that I didn’t really go anywhere with this. But then, bricks don’t move, do they?

Written by yasho

April 24, 2008 at 2:23 am

Note To Self : Food For Thought

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Never ever go to a place for dinner, which is not full to the capacity on a Sunday night.

Be smart and follow the mob.

Written by yasho

April 21, 2008 at 12:36 pm

Hitting the Spot(G-wala)

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Is it just me , or does anyone else thinks too that the VODAFONE guy and gal(the animated ones) at the bottom of the screen during the IPL matches make the Meg Ryan in “Harry Met Sally” noises before climbing up a wall???

Written by yasho

April 19, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Changing My Religion–(Not LOSING, Changing)

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I have never been a very religious person. But now I have seen the error of my ways. I have seen the light (And the Halogen Lamp emitting it.) .

I am converting. From an occasional Hindu, to a devout Pastafarian.

ALL HAIL THE “FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER” ….Now here is a God that you can eat.

PS__New discoveries

There are a few worries–

As per the directives of the Pastafarian wing (The kitchen part) of The Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism (A branch of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) I have to be “touched by his noodly appendages”.

Disclaimer–The Reform Presbylutheranism is wrongly quoted in THE SIMPSONS to be a protestant church. It is just the set up used by our beloved Rev.Lovejoy to get money from the govt.(If any money is left after the wars and the donations to Synagogs)

At first I thought it would symbolic.

However I didn’t know that this “initiation” was a very literal process. After seeing the initiation pics of a young and “rompant” Max Mosely , I have become very very suspicious of this religion and will wait & see for a while before going ahead with my conversion.

As mentioned above, a \

Here, we have a “touching” painting of the The Saintly Mr.Mosely discovering new moves not mentioned in the kinkiest sex book one could find (including Kamasutra).

This inspired the cult classic “The Noodle and The Cock”.

But I have to say ; this procedure opened up a whole new genre of Porn to me. Never knew that “Shagadilic Spaghedeity” , Divine Dicks” and “Religious Romps” were TWBOARP (The name of the church mentioned above) sponsored movies, shot against the ceiling. (These stunts were enabled by the slimy hold of the great “Spaghetti Monster”).

PPS_ I just found out that our Shagadilic Spaghedeity has taken to beastiality. He was recently found ca”noodling” away to glory with the Invisible Pink Unicorn.

Written by yasho

April 15, 2008 at 3:40 am

Move Over “Jaani Dushman” – Bharat is here with Kalyug Aur Ramayan

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For a long time I had believed that “Jaani Dushman”(the new one) was the most hopelessly , stupidly , ridiculous movie ever (albeit entertaining) .

But then our own Bharat (A sad Manoj Kumar secretly trying to wipe his nose by covering his face.) came up with the masterpiece KALYUG AUR RAMAYAN. Here is the synopsis. It does not do justice to the over the top dancing. The brilliant moments(IMO) are noted after the synopsis–

Bhagwan Shri Ram would like his param-bhakt (Chief Devotee) Shri Hanuman to tour Kalyugic (Dark-aged) Hindustan, and himself witness the regression that has taken over this once peaceful, orderly, and religious country. Upon arrival in his present heavenly form, Shri Hanuman is mistaken by Police Inspector Thakur Hanuman Singh, to be a spy from a foreign country, and he gets on the run until Shri Ram changes his appearance to a wealthy man named Pavan Kumar, thus making him elude the police. Pavan meets with a man named Dashrath, who has two sons Raman and Dhaman. While Raman is married to Sarita, Dhaman is currently wooing Nirmala, and Dashrath’s wife is the fashionable Kamla, who looks more like Dashrath’s daughter. Things are not well in this family, as Kamla would like her ailing mother-in-law to turn over the family jewels, deities, and diamonds in her care – in vain though. So she maliciously gets Dashrath to sign over his entire estate in her name – leaving him penniless. Pavan attempts to set things right for this family, but greed, avarice, and lust have already overcome them to such an extent that he must use his heavenly powers to control them. Shri Ram, who feels that Pavan should not have used his powers to change the course of events, has his powers taken away, leaving him a mere mortal at the mercy of Kamla, Sarita, Raman, Dhaman, and a notorious smuggler Bhairo Singh – who is none other than the reincarnation of Lord Ravan himself.

THE MOMENTS__

1. The now patented Manoj Kumar secret nose wipe.

2.Manoj Kumar dancing with a belle, shaking his belly and singing “Bolo ram Chandra Ki Jai’ while the lovely lass tries to seduce..Although Manjor Kumar looked so old I doubt he could even see her..

3.Bindu failing to realize that she is old .. Guess that is enuf.

4.A hammed out Satish Shah(Inspector Thakur Hanuman Singh ) blaming Manoj Kumar (aka the actual Hanuman) for being blasphemous.

5.Manjo Kumar’s cliche’d lecture about the way societ is losing its way and stuff. (You want to kill yourself 15 seconds into it.)

I have never been a Manoj Kumar fan…cause I think he can’t act. As simple as that. I appreciate his efforts involving Patriotic movies, but even they were to hammed and badly implemented.

This movie changed my views though. Manoj Kumar is the most talented Comic ever. This movie was the visual meaning of “So bad that its good.” . if you ever have a chance to watch this movie, don’t miss it. Get your popcorn and cola and hold on to your seat , cus you are in for a mytho-magical ride ..

PS_ “GUNDA” has not been compared to “Jaani Dushman” and “Kalyug aur Ramayan” because I personally don’t think that Gunda was bad. It is poetry in motion. (Just listen to the dialogues and you will know what I mean.)

PPS_ I just found out that the “story” is by a shadily named Dr. Dawood Kashmiri.

Written by yasho

April 14, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Posted in Movies and Me