Billions Of Billious Blue Blistering Barnacles

Bashi Bazooks, Sea Gherkins, Nincompoops, Aztecs!!

Archive for the ‘Suff that is supposed to be funny!’ Category

The Kkouple-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

with one comment

This was the night before my Information Security exam. Which not-so-koincidentally was a nightmare in itself. But I have a justification for the screw-up.

I was trying to decipher(YES-it is a sad attempt at humour) what Stalling was trying to say in his explaination of AES cipher, when I couldn’t continue and fell asleep.

THE NIGHTMARE-

The Kombining of the two of the most deadliest Kkreatures known to mankind.

(The unstoppable force and the immovable object …)

(K)Ekta Kapoor and ( till now thought of as oh-so-Gay ) Karan Johar.

You kan’t imagine my horror at seeing this disaster happening in front of me. (It was a very realistic dream)

I woke up drenched in sweat. I have been scared ever since. The horrors that the “”Balaji Dharm”” kan unleash are beyond my imagination and comprehension.

I kouldn’t write my paper properly. I kouldn’t see past the K’s in the paper. And to top it all, for one proof, I had to encrypt the letter K.

It’s a sign. The Wheels have been put in motion.

The union has kosmic support. The “Grahas” are in position. It is destiny . It is Kkkkkarma (With some Dharma of kourse..)

BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID……..

[ Wonder what the kouple will be called (Yes I am thinking of Brangelina and Abhi-ash, though such things seem trivial in face of complete anhilation .) ]

(Probably this marriage should be called (A)Kismet Konnection..would guarantee faliure)

Advertisements

Written by yasho

September 9, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Dummies Guide To Becoming A Superhero

leave a comment »

MOST IMPORTANT, Zeroeth Law- Wear undies over pants. Flashy if possible, unless you want to go the Batman way.

1.Find a weird looking meteorite and touch it, or jump into any weird looking power source you see. Or easiest option, get bug bytes.

2. Find a stupid catch phrase or “iconic line ” (??)- like “With great power comes great responsibility”

3.Choose a city which seems to be the centre of all sorts of alien attacks, and resurrection spot of demons. (Would help if the city was located right on top of some ancient bug city.)

4. Have a lame alternate personality. Unless of course you are Bruce Wayne, in which case- Dude, you are a billionare, why wear tight black clothes(Which look as if shoplifted from a S&M shop) at night.??

5.Make sure you have a female interest on both sides of the law.

6.Have a tragic past- If you don’t, then invent one.

7.Have stupid rules like  A]Not killing people.   B]Always flying on the right hand side of the track.

8.Make sure you have a friend who has the potential to go bad, and fast. Otherwise the lack of personal tragedy might put off viewers.

9.If you are a female looking to be a superhero- follow the Wonder Woman model of clothing.

10.Remember that if you are using rope/web for flying from one point to another, even if you have nothing on top of you, you can still dangle and jump straigh as an arrow.

11.For new villain creation, put people in jail who have kids with superpowers.

12. Make sure you crossover into someone else’s story.

13.Have epilogues stinkier than a baboons backside. (Though I believe nothing can beat SORRY SHAKTIMAAN) In case I offended you, Sorry Shaktimaan.

14.And last but not the least, always have a weakness that can be exploited (apart from gulliability of course) . No one likes it if you are invincible.

Written by yasho

August 28, 2008 at 7:33 pm

The Rebuffed Knight

with 4 comments

It happened on a Saturday.

Our protagonist The Not-So-Lucky Irishman had just bought half of the supermarket and was going home. The rain gods were smiling . It was beautiful.

It was drizzling outside.  Not the stinging drizzle , but the soft raindrops from heaven. The world felt like a kaleidoscope. He was the ruler of all that is chirpy and wet. He was literally “cantering” his way home. A spring in his step.

And then he saw her. The damsel in distress. There was this poor girl trying to change her tire (He assumed a puncture was the culprit.) .She was still wearing her helmet, which made him wonder if she had boinked Darth Vader.

He  shoos such thoughts outside. The Walter Raliegh inside him had awakened. He sprinted to help her.

This is where the Utopia got distorted.

He went up to her and asked her in his deepest of voices (as if this would make her think of him as Sean Connery, though now that I think of it , it sounded more like Darth Vader ..) if she needed any help . He was expecting a loving ,grateful gaze.  She took off her helmet.

His Juliet turned out to be the Ms.Darth Vader herself.

She lashed out at him with a flurry of adjectives not suitable for anyone, let alone a rather hot looking female. I don’t exactly remember what she said, It’s a bit like “Joker” for me- One time I remember it this way, one time some other way..

But it went a bit like this  (Heavily censored version)-

What!? I don’t need any help. You guys. You see a girl and you have make a move. Rascals.

Now usually the first one to talk back, I was too flabbergasted to reply, my faith in the feminity diminshed, the chivalry knocked out of me with one solid Ali style punch.

And this was the end of the Walter Raeligh inside me….

Written by yasho

August 20, 2008 at 5:33 pm

What If….

with 5 comments

Wonder what would happen if….

– Someone ate Hannibal Lecter’s liver with Fava beans and a nice Chianti ?

– Someone roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris’ head off ?

– Someone groped Arnold Schwarzenegger ?

– Someone “did” Bill Clinton when he was an intern ?

– Steven Segal could act ?

– Tom Cruise had to go to a therapist and lie down on a couch. Now we all know that it is for jumping, not sleeping .

– Someone murders OJ because she found he was cheating on her.

– Ekta Kapoor actually watched what she is producing. (She would probably kill herself.)

– Bhajji is slapped by someone?

– Karan Johar was gay!? (Ok, this is a bogey.)

-Jose Murinho admitted that his team deserved to lose.

– Rajnikanth and Kamal Hasan did a movie together, with Jayalalitha as the heroine.

– Bush had any measurable IQ.

-Pamela Anderson never went from ‘B’ to ”DD” to ‘F’ to god knows where…

– Mallika Sherawat was in a movie with Ayatollah Khomeini.

– CPI realized that Communism is dead.

– India went to war with Italy with Sonia memsaab as the PM.

– Devegowda had morals.

– Aamir Khan started another game show– The Ace Khan maybe..

– This post made any sense…..

PS_ I am pleased to inform everyone that the Lambs have indeed stopped screaming.

Written by yasho

June 22, 2008 at 12:48 pm

The Bearded Assassin/Messiah

with 4 comments

A friend of mine (read Zizou) is in Amrika right now. He bought a T-Shirt with this quote on it–

If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may only have seconds to live.

He also lead me to this site called Chuck Norris Facts.<The source of the above mentioned quote> It is hilarious.

My personal favorite (and apparently Chuck Norris’ too) is this —

They once tried to carve Chuck Norris’s face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard.”

Written by yasho

May 25, 2008 at 4:51 am

“Hard” Luck

with one comment

This is stuff that you wouldn’t be able to think of writing even if you were inclined to do so–

This was there in todays PUNE MIRROR (Only the bestest tabloid ever )–

PAGE 24

ASK THE SEXPERT

I am a 20 year old man. My sex part (I don’t exactly know what it’s called) is always standing; when I wake up, at the time of urination and when I see romantic clips on TV. I don’t even tuck my shirt in because I don’t know when it stands. Please help me I feel embarrassed to speak with people.

Written by yasho

May 10, 2008 at 11:02 am

The Whole Shebang-A Conspiracy Theory

with 2 comments

With everyone saying how shameful, the whole thing has been and that both Bhajji and the Malyalee Monkey are responsible for it (One of them more than the other.)and that both have come out for the worse (as analysed By Ramanand).

Physical violence has no place in cricket, and that Harbhajan should face the music.

But because of the carefully developed and ridiculously weird thinking pattern that I have , I disagree.

So this is my way of supporting the likes of India TV and other channels (Nothing compares to India TV though) and there a la’ juggernaut ,search for sensational news (found or made, doesnt make much difference) I am writing the following part–

A CONSPIRACY THEORY

I think the whole thing is an orchestrated event. As everyone had seen, after the initial matches , the ratings and the attendance had been falling, because the novelty factor was gone.

So what does Mr.Modi decide to do.

A controversy. Nothing grabs you by the balls as hard as a juicy controversy.

So he asks Bhajji to step up for the collective good and be the “Bali Ka Bakra”. Me thinks Bhajji is being compensated well for doing this and facing the ban. As for Sreesanth, this might have been a pathetic attempt at rebuilding his image. Going from a smoke sprouting (I dont think there ever was any fire to back it) ,dancing , boastful monkey to a 4 year old who is crying cause he got slapped.

There are so many signs that this is an acted event.

Why would Bhajji go and slap Sreesanth? Too unprofessional for anyone.

Why didn’t our fireband retaliate. Any normal person on being hit retaliates.

Why is everything being done behind the doors?

Why did the “K-League” dialogue of “Bade Bhayya” came into the play?

Why are there claims of Punching AND slapping now?

The most reasonable explanation is that Modi wants to make it a masala blockbuster, with something for everyone.

The fans have their cricket.

The ladies have their soap style drama and sentiments.

The non-cricket fans get to see a fusion of cricket and “muay thai” (Thai Kick Boxing).

A diabolical plan indeed Mr.Modi, Bravo.

PS_ My suspicions will be confirmed if they start advertising their matches as “Rumble In The Jungle” etc. etc. .

Written by yasho

April 28, 2008 at 3:44 am