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Dummies Guide To Becoming A Superhero

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MOST IMPORTANT, Zeroeth Law- Wear undies over pants. Flashy if possible, unless you want to go the Batman way.

1.Find a weird looking meteorite and touch it, or jump into any weird looking power source you see. Or easiest option, get bug bytes.

2. Find a stupid catch phrase or “iconic line ” (??)- like “With great power comes great responsibility”

3.Choose a city which seems to be the centre of all sorts of alien attacks, and resurrection spot of demons. (Would help if the city was located right on top of some ancient bug city.)

4. Have a lame alternate personality. Unless of course you are Bruce Wayne, in which case- Dude, you are a billionare, why wear tight black clothes(Which look as if shoplifted from a S&M shop) at night.??

5.Make sure you have a female interest on both sides of the law.

6.Have a tragic past- If you don’t, then invent one.

7.Have stupid rules like  A]Not killing people.   B]Always flying on the right hand side of the track.

8.Make sure you have a friend who has the potential to go bad, and fast. Otherwise the lack of personal tragedy might put off viewers.

9.If you are a female looking to be a superhero- follow the Wonder Woman model of clothing.

10.Remember that if you are using rope/web for flying from one point to another, even if you have nothing on top of you, you can still dangle and jump straigh as an arrow.

11.For new villain creation, put people in jail who have kids with superpowers.

12. Make sure you crossover into someone else’s story.

13.Have epilogues stinkier than a baboons backside. (Though I believe nothing can beat SORRY SHAKTIMAAN) In case I offended you, Sorry Shaktimaan.

14.And last but not the least, always have a weakness that can be exploited (apart from gulliability of course) . No one likes it if you are invincible.

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Written by yasho

August 28, 2008 at 7:33 pm

The Rebuffed Knight

with 4 comments

It happened on a Saturday.

Our protagonist The Not-So-Lucky Irishman had just bought half of the supermarket and was going home. The rain gods were smiling . It was beautiful.

It was drizzling outside.  Not the stinging drizzle , but the soft raindrops from heaven. The world felt like a kaleidoscope. He was the ruler of all that is chirpy and wet. He was literally “cantering” his way home. A spring in his step.

And then he saw her. The damsel in distress. There was this poor girl trying to change her tire (He assumed a puncture was the culprit.) .She was still wearing her helmet, which made him wonder if she had boinked Darth Vader.

He  shoos such thoughts outside. The Walter Raliegh inside him had awakened. He sprinted to help her.

This is where the Utopia got distorted.

He went up to her and asked her in his deepest of voices (as if this would make her think of him as Sean Connery, though now that I think of it , it sounded more like Darth Vader ..) if she needed any help . He was expecting a loving ,grateful gaze.  She took off her helmet.

His Juliet turned out to be the Ms.Darth Vader herself.

She lashed out at him with a flurry of adjectives not suitable for anyone, let alone a rather hot looking female. I don’t exactly remember what she said, It’s a bit like “Joker” for me- One time I remember it this way, one time some other way..

But it went a bit like this  (Heavily censored version)-

What!? I don’t need any help. You guys. You see a girl and you have make a move. Rascals.

Now usually the first one to talk back, I was too flabbergasted to reply, my faith in the feminity diminshed, the chivalry knocked out of me with one solid Ali style punch.

And this was the end of the Walter Raeligh inside me….

Written by yasho

August 20, 2008 at 5:33 pm

What If….

with 5 comments

Wonder what would happen if….

– Someone ate Hannibal Lecter’s liver with Fava beans and a nice Chianti ?

– Someone roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris’ head off ?

– Someone groped Arnold Schwarzenegger ?

– Someone “did” Bill Clinton when he was an intern ?

– Steven Segal could act ?

– Tom Cruise had to go to a therapist and lie down on a couch. Now we all know that it is for jumping, not sleeping .

– Someone murders OJ because she found he was cheating on her.

– Ekta Kapoor actually watched what she is producing. (She would probably kill herself.)

– Bhajji is slapped by someone?

– Karan Johar was gay!? (Ok, this is a bogey.)

-Jose Murinho admitted that his team deserved to lose.

– Rajnikanth and Kamal Hasan did a movie together, with Jayalalitha as the heroine.

– Bush had any measurable IQ.

-Pamela Anderson never went from ‘B’ to ”DD” to ‘F’ to god knows where…

– Mallika Sherawat was in a movie with Ayatollah Khomeini.

– CPI realized that Communism is dead.

– India went to war with Italy with Sonia memsaab as the PM.

– Devegowda had morals.

– Aamir Khan started another game show– The Ace Khan maybe..

– This post made any sense…..

PS_ I am pleased to inform everyone that the Lambs have indeed stopped screaming.

Written by yasho

June 22, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Obstacle Course

with one comment

Anyone who has ever walked on PMC’s red sidewalks must have gone through something akin to a military obstacle course. Bhajiwalas, Puncture shops, Couples who refuse to find a cosier place.

I have found a new weapon in the arsenal of the god of bad luck. Dog poop.

Anyone who walks a dog should be made to pick it up. People squirm when they see someone else spitting and call it uncivilized. But the same people have no issues if their pedigree mutt is dumping away to glory on the sidewalk.

Talk about hypocrisy…….

Written by yasho

June 16, 2008 at 3:20 am

Posted in Reality Bites

No Smoking ?!?

with 14 comments

I know this is very similar to the eye of a lesser evil.

I am surprised that the “all censoring” EYE of Ramadoss hasn’t turned its all powerful gaze towards the issue of smoking. The “real” issue (This is to distance this particular article from the bollywooddesque shenanigans of Mr. AR ).

The weirdest thing is that one is not even allowed to carry a bottle of liquor if others can see it. You need a “kaalikh” bhara plastic bag for that.(I am not sure of legality or otherwise of this particular issue.)

But there is no such restriction on Cigarettes.

Drinking in public is illegal…Although drinking does not harm others. The same cannot be said about smoking. Smoking in public is perfectly legal , albeit much more harmful. I am really shocked no one really brought up the issue of passive smoking . Specially Mr. A R

I firmly believe that Ramadoss is nothing but a publicity seeking, egoistic, power mad, stupid ,moronic Monkey, who refuses to look at real issues. I am appalled at Manmohan Singh and his govt. for allowing him to go on with his ways as long as he has.

But then what do I know. I don’t know anything about smoky details and whims of the exalted circles of the ones with the power.

PS____Thanks to Abhishek, I just found out that Smoking is indeed illegal in public. But this kinda helps my case.

The law is as effective as the one which makes Helmets compulsory in Maharashtra.

PPS_ I have seen loads of Policeman smoking in public. Sad…

Written by yasho

May 27, 2008 at 4:11 am

Posted in Cribs, Reality Bites

The Bearded Assassin/Messiah

with 4 comments

A friend of mine (read Zizou) is in Amrika right now. He bought a T-Shirt with this quote on it–

If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may only have seconds to live.

He also lead me to this site called Chuck Norris Facts.<The source of the above mentioned quote> It is hilarious.

My personal favorite (and apparently Chuck Norris’ too) is this —

They once tried to carve Chuck Norris’s face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard.”

Written by yasho

May 25, 2008 at 4:51 am

The Chronicles Of The Stupid Kind III- From The Horse’s Mouth

with 6 comments

I seem to have outdone myself this time.

I should have seen it coming though. There were signs. It was only yesterday that I had my first, and as it turned out, last warning. I was coming back home after a cup of coffee with a friend.

Now what one should know , is that , there is a park near my house. So you get all sorts of things around it, like an occasional madari, and an ever present Horse ride.

So just when I took a turn near my house, it was ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaa’ ,

The damn horse was almost at the corner on the right side and I almost had a head on collision with it. But , the gods were smiling, and I came through unscathed .

Fast forward to the next day i.e. yesterday. I was coming back from the bank. Now , I have a habit of listening to my i-pod during driving. (Not a good habit, I know.) So, here I was, happy in my own world, happily driving along. I turned near my house, (again) , and what was I facing? The side of the same damn fucking horse. And BANG!. I had my face in its side (thankfully it wasn’t its backside.) and my bike gone through, under it.

So, here I am. been there (Horse’s side), and done that (Given it a hickey on the side).

<Horsebite leaves a horrible aftertaste. >

I really raised my game to another level this time.

Written by yasho

May 25, 2008 at 4:22 am

Posted in Reality Bites